I loved Marinka's post the other day about coming home early and imagining that she would find "Husbandrinka" with another woman. I guess the reason I loved it so much is that it fed into my own twisted sense of paranoia. (Did you really think I was a balanced individual??? If so, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but being balanced is something I'm currently working on. . . ) And it also may surprise you to learn that I too - at times - have an over-active imagination.
So, as you all know, Sunday was Mother's Day. And, along with a few thoughtfully chosen gifts on my newest passion (becoming a more spiritual and intuitive being) my husband gave me a card that read To My Wife.
Remember those three words. . . To. . . My. . . Wife. . .
And to give that man credit, there was a lovely - if not all-too familiar - sentiment inside the card which read:
You deserve to hear this more often,
but I don't always take the time to say it. . .
I'm glad that you're my wife,
the love of my life,
and the heart of our home. . .
Hey, and it even had two sets of ellipses in it. . . what more could I ask for????
And so I went to bed happy.
But early yesterday as I was folding the laundry - putting away the same husband's unmentionables - I spied an unsent card peeking out from under his socks. A quick glance at the front of the card (you show me a woman who can resist looking at an unfamiliar greeting card in her husband's underwear drawer, and I'll show you a liar. . . ) revealed a black and white photograph of a pair of high heeled shoes tossed by the ocean's edge with a caption that read Beautiful Woman. . .
I quickly closed the drawer and began to think.
God Damn that man! Isn't this how women on t.v. find out their husbands are having affairs with. . . with. . .
With who???
With some woman who wears freakin' high heeled black pumps to the beach, that's who. . .
Talk about a Shoobie!!!
The tramp!
The nerve!
But why on Mother's Day??? Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that hussie is married! Of course!!! And she's probably a mother too! I'll bet my bottom dollar that there are a couple of little girl vamps running around in pink high-heeled stilettos - tossing them carelessly by the ocean's edge before skipping off to do you-know-what with God-knows-who! But it's not their fault - really - with a husband-stealing- home-wrecking-mother like that. . .
And so, with a sense of renewed vigor and rage, I whipped open the drawer and the card once more and read. . .
beautiful wife. . .
beloved mother . . .
how lucky we are to love you. . .
Don't tell me this man has two families! Are those high-heeled hussies doing the hanky-panky in the sand dunes his children???
But - in a rare moment of rational thought - I realized that not even a Mom on Spin's life can be that insane. (I hope.)
And then . . . ever so slowly. . . and I mean s-l-o-w-l-y . . . the realization dawned on me that my husband had purchased that card for me. That's right. . . me! My husband had purchased a card that said Beautiful Woman. And it was for me! ALL ME!
And I was happy once again!
Until I realized. . .
He didn't have the nerve to give that card to me.
The bastard!!!!
Okay. I don't exactly give off the aura of being a sea-swept beauty. . . but would it have killed him to lie a little? Perhaps if he did, he could ditch the apologetic cards about how he doesn't tell me he loves me often enough.
Men.
Do we have to tell them everything?
And just to spite him, I wore my high heeled black pumps to work yesterday. I don't think he noticed them, but they sure hurt like a mother!
