Can We Talk Tofu?

Dear Tofu,

I want to like you. Really I do.  But the truth of the matter is that my vegetarian tofu love is just not happening at the rate at which I would like.   And it's not for lack of trying, mind you . . .

Oh, I have squeezed you.

Sliced, chopped and cubed you.

Seasoned, dipped, slathered and marinated you.

 And then I've sauteed you. . . blended you. . . baked you. . . grilled, broiled and pan-fried you. 

ALL TO NO AVAIL !!!

And so I have a few simple questions to ask:

• Must you always be such a blockhead?  I'm sure your pressed goodness could conform to any mold they put you in so how about trying to look like a pineapple . . oreo. . .candy corn?
• Do you have to be so wiggly?  Even when I buy you in your extra-firmness mode?  'Cause I don't usually like my dinner to have the texture of . . . well. . . Jello . . .
• And how about taste?   Did you ever think of adding a little?  It doesn't suit you to be so unsavory all the time. . .
• What's so silken about you? Do you think that adding that one little adjective will make you more exotic?
• Are you cold-blooded?  Why am I required to change your water more frequently than water in a fish tank?
• Why does Drip Dry not want to eat you simply because he's afraid of growing man boobs?  I usually can pass anything I don't like off on my husband but he seems to be holding fast on keeping his testosterone levels out of your estrogen-ridden clutches.

and last but not least, Mr Tofu,

• WHY DON'T YOU COME IN EXTRA CHEESE FLAVOR?

Oh I know that I, too, tend to be a stubborn-wiggly-washed-out-inelegent-estrogen-ridden biddy at times. But I always try to smother myself with cheese, my friend.

I'm convinced the cheese part is key. . .